Sunday, December 27, 2009

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 7

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 7
Hi guys! Okay, so it looks like we have yet another week where Ty and I bailed on our weekly ANTM chitter-chat, but that's okay! I'm still going to go over this mess of pictures, and just think - we're getting over the hump of boring. Hey, it happens in every reality show: the first couple of weeks are the best because that's where you get the largest cluster of losers and fuck ups. Then, as the losers get eliminated and the numbers slowly start to dwindle, fuck up fun times start to get few and far between. Then, before you know it, you're down to the last two turds in the toilet. Then it's over! I know, circle of life really. Anyways, let's get on with this shall we? I have some turds to flush. And speaking of this not the most ethnically diverse Final 7 we have EVER seen on ANTM? Can you believe it?!? This is so weird!

1. Rae (The Single Mom)
Okay, you know what's so crazy? I totally wasn't into Rae until last week when she really let her personality out, and now that I like her she's gone. This reminds me of a song, but I just can't put my finger on it. Sads. Oh well, it's for the best - Rae can go home and be a mom aka WHAT SHE SHOULD BE DOING.

2. Brittany (The...uh...Smart One?)
You know, I keep getting this feeling that Brittany will be next. She came in so strong but she's been fading as of late. Could this be the end for everyone's favourite 8-year-old Boy Skeleton?

3. Laura (The Hillbilly)
Anytime Laura pops on screen, I immediately think of this:

...which means I DO NOT want to see the face she makes when she gets eliminated. We need to be honest with ourselves here: Laura isn't going to win :(
I know, sads. But it's true - she's just too much hillbilly for the high-class world of midget modeling. The minute Tyra gives her the axe, needs to get herself an agent and start doing commercials. The possibilities are endless: Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausages, Cellino & Barnes Injury Attorneys, First Response Pregnancy Tests, and finally - the most respected of all hillbilly commercial options - WAL MART.

4. Nicole (The Ginger)
I know that Vegas odds place Nicole high on the 'safe bet' list, but I just can't put all my money on this phony pony. Again, I can't predict her going far and it has nothing to do with her abysmal personality. Nicole is Sarah Plain and Tall, looks wise, and not in the good way. Nicole reminds me of this:

Seriously, does she not totally remind you of The Great Depression?

5. Sundai (The Black One)
Last night my sister and I were going to a party. She was having a really tough time picking out an outfit, so I advised her of the mantra I use when getting dressed: If you can't do hot, do cute. For instance, I am not a 10. Hell, on my best day I can barely pull off a 6. So I wont delude myself into thinking I'm a total babe. Instead, when I get dressed I go for Someone's mom in the 60s or 1970s Girl Scout. Sundai really works Cute; unfortunately cute does not a successful model make.

6. Erin (The Bitch)
I can see Erin being in the final 2, and you know - I'm going to go here - I can see her taking this thing too. She wants it so bad. Either that, or she needs to take a shit 24-7. I dunno - what am I, a doctor?

7. Jennifer (The Asian One)
Oh-kay! I loved Jennifer's commercial! I actually believed it, and that is very rare; as we all know, the ANTM commercials always look like hostage videos where the model is reading the script with such verbal distress it's as if she has an AK-47 pressed to her head. Not our girl, Shanghai Wonk-eye - she owned that shit pretty hard. Good for her! She better keep it up, because we NEED an Asian to win. As a white girl I know how sub-par my looks are to even the homeliest of Chinese girls, and I'm sick and tired of them getting kicked out early on in the game.

Episode notes:
- I don't know how I feel about this revolving door of C-List celebrities, but I will tell you this: I DO NOT approve of Kim Kardashian looking at Nigel like that.

For real, Ty and I are not afraid to shank a fat-ass bitch. We have nothing to lose, Kim; get your own mega-hot noted fashion photographer.

Next week on America's Next Top Whythehelldoesanyonecareaboutthis:
the final 6 go on an incredible journey to the international destination of...Hawaii? What? Are they mid-western retirees? How ghetto has this show gotten that they can't even book an out-of-country trip? Poor Laura - this was her opportunity to finally cross a border and bitch gets shanked by Tyra's genie pants budget. Oh wells - let's hope they do some kitschy photoshoots. I want to see this!!

Aw, so cute! You know who's going to rule these hula girl photoshoots? DON'T FUCK UP JENNIFER.


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